How do you write a post about a part of your life that you chose not to remember?
I guess you just start…
I was 23 when I met my first husband. Yup, I was divorced. Not something I talk about a whole lot, because it was pretty much the worst couple years of my life, and it all happened long before I started blogging. Heck most of my friends now don’t even know. So I’m gonna tell this story, because it needs to be told, but also because I think there are people out there that are going through similar things, and they need to know its possible to get through it.
But first a little background… I’ve been the “Fat kid” my whole life. I’ve fought with self esteem and rejection my whole life. I was bullied, picked on and mocked. My own family got in on the action from time to time. I can’t name one boy that ever had a crush on me growing up. So I turned to food. I could control it, food never made fun of me or called me names. Food was my friend, and yet my enemy. It was pretty much a vicious cycle. By the time I was 19 I was convinced that no one would ever love me or want to marry me. And all I wanted was to find someone, anyone to love me. So I started online dating…
Fast forward a couple years, and a whole lot of crappy first dates. I met Bert* (*names have been changed) online through a christian dating site. We talked for quite a while before we actually met in person. He was a nice guy. Our first date wasn’t really anything really remarkable, other than the fact that he didn’t try to get in my pants. That made him different from pretty much every other guy I’d been out with right off the bat. He was a “nice” guy and he asked me out again before the end of our first date. I started seeing him every weekend. He was my first boyfriend, the first man I loved.
We dated for 6 months and then started talking about marriage. I was so in love with the idea of love, and with having my dream wedding that I ignored a bunch of warning flags. After 8 months of dating, he casually mentioned he was bi-polar and was on medication for it. After 10 months of dating he proposed. I said yes and started planning a big wedding. We got married and everything was perfect …for about 3 weeks. A week after we got back from our honey moon he stopped taking his meds, but I didn’t know. Shortly after that he lost his job. Things just snowballed from there we were having financial problems, he was incredibly moody and we were having major problems.
3 days before what would have been our 8 month anniversary, I found out he’d been cheating, had been cheating off and on the whole time we dated/were engaged. My life turned into utter chaos and my heart shattered.
I went though hell for about 6 months. We tried, well actually I tried, to fix things. He was more interested in living his own life and having fun. He finally admitted that he didn’t want to be married, so we got divorced. I’m glossing over a lot of what happened, but I really just can’t let myself go back to that time. I was a wreck. It took me a long, long time to recover.
I questioned everything… why it was happening to me, my faith in God, my belief in love, my friendships, every relationship in my life, my very existence. I fought with feeling abandoned and forgotten. I struggled to find meaning in all of the pain. I fought to keep my head above the water. I spent days in bed crying. There really aren’t words to describe the deep, dark, scary place that I was in.
I thought about suicide. I thought about running away and going somewhere no one knew me. I thought about drinking myself into oblivion and staying there. There were days where all I wanted to do was give up.
But I didn’t.
I grabbed hold of a thin thread of hope and I chose to believe that there had to be better days ahead…
And you know what? There were! I even managed to fall in love again (another story, for another day). This is the truth that I grabbed a hold of and clung to for dear life…
The sun exists, even when its not shining.
Love is real, even when I don’t feel it.
God is near, even when He is silent.
Nancy Carr says
Jennifer, You learned a lot from that experiience. Many of us have had our own similar experiences and have come out the other side and eventually life got much better. Life gets better when we have faith, and you have faith. We have strength we never know is there until we have to use it. Best wishes in living a wonderful life and being the best Jennifer you can be.
Darlene Ysaguirre says
Im Glad You Came Out Stronger Wiser From The Experiences we go through good or bad.Thanks For Sharing As Im Sure Theres So Many With A Similar Story.Best Wishes To You And Yours =)
Heather @ Real Cheap Housewives of Texas says
So glad you made it through that and that you are happy now 🙂
Karie says
Jennifer~ Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! I can say I was in a rough marriage and found the strength to get out and now have been married to a wonderful man for 25 years. It takes courage to move forward and I know I am thrilled to have found your blog!
Enjoy your weekend!
Carolyn Flanagan says
Your right many of us been through the same thing or going through stuff similar to that. When reading your story there was alot of things similar to what happened to me around the same age. I was always the "big" girl and no guy ever liked me. So when I met "Doug" changed name, And he was similar to your experience, didn't try to get in my pants the first date, really seemed to pay attention to me. I fell in love or so i thought it was love very fast, within 5 months we were engaged and it would have been 10 months in all till we were going to get married.
Thankfully I didn't end up marrying him. I found out about some things 2 days before the wedding that I couldn't get over and called off the wedding. I have wonderful parents and they really supported me. even through things were all set, a lot of stuff was paid for already and many guests were already in town. They told me to do what i needed to do and not to worry about the money that it was better to call off the wedding before then to go through with it and regret it.
Dealing with that and having low self esteem I didn't learn my lesson, 6 months later I met another man that wasn't much better. I didn't rush into getting engaged through, but stay with him off and on for 3 years. My last straw was when I was going to tests to see if i had cancer and I wanted him to be with me, he had took a job that was half way across the country, when i asked him to come home, he said he would if I did a few things. 1 was i had to work full time and he would only work part time, 2 i was suppose to support his "drug habit" meaning pay for it. 3 i wasn't allow to see my friends and family, and i wasn't allowed to have my girl night which I did mostly every thursday. this is what it was going to take for him to come home for me! He told me he'd give me a day to "think" about it. And hung up. I didn't have to think about it so i called him right back and told him i was finished.
I took it hard. Yes i ended up in the hospital. After that I swore off men, I was single for about 2 years. Then started dating again. But I never worked on trying to improve myself, I still had alot of self esteem issues and had alot of baggage from the last 2 boyfriends. I dated a lot of the wrong type of guys. I could probably write a book about it all!
Thankfully after dating the wrong men for many years I almost gave up hope, till a guy from high school that I actually had a crush on got in touch with me through a online dating site. To find out he liked me too back then but was way too shy. He too went through his share of bad relationships and heart ache. And guess what… he told me that all through those years, that thinking about me, and knowing that I called him Hot and thought he was good looking kept him going and in times that he was down it helped him.
Today is a year and a half we have been dating. this morning I woke up to breakfast in bed, flowers and a card.
So yes it does get better! I wish that someone would have told me to be patient and to stop worrying so much, that the right one will find you to focus more on being happy.
But i'm glad I never gave up hope in finding love! I have so much more that i can write, but I want to say thank you for writing what you did. Women need to know they aren't alone, and finding any man just wouldn't do. beacuse you'll feel worst you need to find the right man, and not to settle for anything less!
Sarah M says
Just heard this morning of a high school student in our town that committed suicide last night. I am heartbroken and can't imagine what makes someone feel like that is their only option. I don't even know you but my heart goes out to you for thinking that was your only option and then finding the strength to get past it. Faith is an amazing thing!
pink on the cheek says
WOW, you are incredibly brave to put this out there. I am 100% positive that you are helping someone right now while sharing your story. I am crushed that you went through this time in your life. I have faith that your love story isn't over. It's just the beginning. You are so beautiful, don't let anyone take that away from you.
Lindsay @AFM says
Big hugs, Jennifer!! You are so brave to share your story. I think you are an amazing, talented woman and I have always loved your blog and shop. You only deserve the best!
monique says
thanks for opening your heart and sharing your experience, that takes a lot of courage.
sweetlisak says
It's so hard to see the bigger picture when you are in that type of situation and hurting…but it's comforting to know that God does have a plan for all of us – thanks for sharing, I too was in a similar situation in my early 20's (but it didn't go as far as marriage) and now I am happily married with three crazy children – so thankful that I was able to get out and past it!!
mammanene says
Thank you Jennifer for your story: it's a sad story with a happy ending and you wrote it in a special way!
I whish you have a wonderful Rest Of Life 🙂
Hugs,
MammaNene
SergerPepper.blogspot.it
Melissa says
You are strong, and that is something that noody can take away from you. Thank you for sharing, it is a reminder that each and every one of us has a story and that we didn’t get to where we are simply by magic. I’m willing to bet anything that you sharing your story will help at least one person. Thank you for being brave.
Beth says
I'm so, so sympathetic! I think a LOT of us go through this (even girls that aren't called fat, but are called other names). My model-gorgeous best friend had every guy she dated try to get into her pants, too, and her self-esteem was in the toilet because of it….pretty or ugly, there are more predators and assholes out there, it seems, that prey on young women, than guys who have their shit figured out. To come through the fire tempered like good steel, stronger and able to handle life with a greater understanding of our own strength, is a blessing. Being a steel woman is a hell of a lot better than being a willow woman, and I applaud you for making the better choice and holding on to hope!
howdygirlwriting says
Oh wow, that is such a powerful post! It's amazing how when you totally hit the bottom, you still push on. Just another testimony to how amazing us women can be!
Jayna says
Jennifer, you are an awesome girl! I'm so happy I met you and that you're closely 😉 You know I'm a phonecall away when you need it 🙂
Life is a journey – it's not about when you come from, but where you're headed 🙂
Jessica says
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you so much for sharing this @ The SHOW OFF Blog Party. I know how you felt. I was married young too and ended up divorcing him. It took me 10 years before getting married again. I love your picture on being strong. As women, we have to! Thanks a million, again!
Jessica
The Wondering Brain
Emily says
Jennifer,
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Life can be really cruddy, but sometimes the bad is what really helps us appreciate the good. I'm so glad your story had that ray of hope! Yay for redemption! 🙂